Gabriela remembers her life with a newborn….
‘Welcome to the chaos’, I said to my husband, as he returned home from work. Our living room was (and is) a mess. What was once a stylish, beautifully decorated room with shades of white, beige and some accents of yellow, where classical white furniture blended harmoniously with rattan beige chairs, has now transformed into a messy, cluttered room where baby items reign.
The living room is currently a nursery and a baby play area. Our beautiful white carved dining table is now covered with various baby items: paracetamol for babies, some frames showing pictures with our little one, a tree for his bottles to dry, a bowl with the used pumping connectors, some forgotten plates from the previous interrupted adult breakfast, lunch or dinner, a bra for pumping and some cloths.
Our square white coffee table is now a feeding station, on which the oval tray that once was used to hold a tea pot and two cups, now holds the unfinished bottle with previously pumped breast milk, a bowl with two sets of teats and a nipple shield for when the baby wants to breastfeed. The books on coaching, mental health and running that once filled the coffee table have been replaced with books about parenting and caring for a newborn. The square basket under the coffee table shelters even more books about babies and one or two on coaching and running that we still hope we would find the chance to read.
Maybe in a year or two. Wherever you go in our apartment you find something related to baby care, clutter and disorder. Who has time to make the bed nicely when a baby screams with discontent? As a carer of a newborn, if you manage to have a shower, eat something, go to the toilet, get dressed and perhaps cook something, then you can consider your day a success. Feeding the baby, either by bottle or breastfeeding, managing to pump four times and washing and sterilising his bottles, teats and pump connectors is the new definition of productivity. Meeting your own basic needs like eating, using the toilet, washing, and especially sleeping, becomes a luxury.
Everything I start these days is only half or quarter finished, as I am constantly interrupted. Yesterday I managed to sweep half of the balcony. What a success! The broom is still outside. The laundry bag is full with the clothes that need to be folded and put away. A part of me still wants to fold the clothes nicely, Maria Kondo style. As for ironing my clothes, this is almost not an option these days. I just spray the dress before wearing it and then hope that gravity will do its job.
And although this may seem overwhelming, especially for a perfectionist who loves interior design and a tidy place which pleases the eye and the soul, somehow both my husband and I find our way in this endless mess.
We are managing, but in a coping way, day by day. We are also revisiting the meaning of “enough” and our expectations, learning how to not get too frustrated when we cannot finish what we started. Constant interruptions became the normality in the house. Productivity takes on a new meaning.
As new parents, now of a baby of almost 5 months, we can finally say that we are feeling competent (at least for the time being). We know what to do most of the time and how to do it. And if we don’t know how to do it, in the end we are figuring it out. Last night it took almost 3 hours for our baby to fall asleep. It was hard, both for him and for us. He would stay only in my arms and as soon as my husband would take him, he would start to scream. Our baby just wanted me to take him to sleep, and the heatwave and the sleep regression period that he was going through were making things worse. As a mother, it was an emotional pain to hear him crying and do nothing. So, I went over and over again, trying to soothe him. The trouble is that I suffer from tendinitis of the wrists, which has been hanging around since the baby’s first month and this is only getting worse. He is getting heavier and fussier, so he requires more time in my arms, which eventually has a soothing effect on him. But last night, if he was crying and screaming with the frustration of not being able to fall asleep, I was crying with frustration and pain, as my arms were aching more than usual. Cold ice-packs, a brace and special exercises is the solution that the physio gave. But who on earth has the time to wear cold-ice packs for at least 15 minutes and do various exercises when the baby constantly needs you? As for the brace that I am supposed to wear, it ended up being thrown in anger, as I had to remove it an endless number of times. I was either supposed to lift my baby, and the brace was making holding the baby insecure, or I needed to wash my hands or use water for various baby related tasks.
Becoming a new parent is like sailing a constant storm and rocky waters. And the first month(s) is like a tornado to which you simply need to give in. No need to fight it, just as you cannot fight the repetitive colic of a newborn or the sleep regression period that seems to last an eternity. The harder you try, the harder it gets. In the end, you need to accept it and try your best to sail through the storm.
Becoming a new parent is rocky. Not because you rock your baby so often, but because you will meet many rocks in the way. Some rocks will fall out of nowhere, such as the unexpected illness of your newborn, which may require a trip to the emergency room or even a hospital stay, bringing even more chaos to your already chaotic life. Some of these rocks will make your relationship stronger, obliging you to find ways to best collaborate with your spouse or partner, in order to simply survive the heavy load on your wellbeing and health that parenting may bring. And some rocks will just be there to annoy you, like finally getting in the shower while your baby is asleep and then having to go out as fast as you can because you hear him or her crying…
‘Hold the mother and not the baby’, I read somewhere. I would go so far as to say, hold both parents and not the baby, as the parents, if they are both involved and committed, will do all they can to care for the baby.
And yes, there are many wonderful moments, moments in which you are in awe, euphoric, loving and grateful. There is a love that you feel as you have never felt before, and a whole palette of emotions, so intense, whether pleasant or not. And no matter what, there is a deep love, and more to the point, a bonding that you will probably never have with any other person in your life.
So dear parent of a newborn, welcome to the chaos. It may feel like a tornado, and you may feel lost in the middle of a storm. Surround yourself with as much support as you can, accept help, and try to navigate the stormy waters as best you can. It gets better in the end. At least until the next storm. But by then you will have already gained some experience to deal with the chaos.
By Gabriela Doicaru-Spencer, Group Host, gabrieladspencer.com/blog
This article was first published in the 2024 autumn edition of the BCT’s Small Talk magazine.
